I don't know why, but I am so in my writing mood now. I spent the whole day wasting my time worrying over the upcoming projects involving green screen shooting and some other things. I sat in my room, thinking, pondering and wondering...how much I've changed these days. I have this attitude; easily distracted and too much anxiety over something. Moments ago, I spent a couple of hours sitting in a table with my friends talking about our lives..years back....to be really honest..here's a confession:
To my dearest Izzaty Iqlima,
Your presence triggers my anxiety and I would later than have doubts in me; regarding my ability and potential..I felt like a loser having you around because you are one impressive yet superb girl. When we switched stories about the past; I adore your talent, leadership, ideas and ability. You are a very daring, outspoken or should I say a true all-rounder. Having you in UMK really motivates me to do better than you. When you questioned my ideas and plan I felt very insecure because I know yours is better than mine.
Your nature cause a sudden urge in me to realise how far am I missing...losing...right now;
here in UMK
Am I a loser when I was chosen to be here in UMK? OMG! Wat da fert happened to me?....I was from MRSM Taiping...one of the prestiges school in Malaysia...I was once a best debater, story-telling champion, tokoh pelajar during my primary years, I was involved with so many things that relate to success!!!!!..What am I now? Why am I losing to nothing at this moment in my life? Am I having a midlife crisis?
You see, I remembered my teacher telling me this;
I see a lot of things in you, potentials and excellency in your future life..
Yeah, that's what they said....but the problem is...I couldnt really see it clearly now...I am very weak..I need my friends and the environment I used to be in to express myself as a winner in most things. Without the environment..here I am....NOTHING!
Dear readers, I know the moment you guys read this..you'll have little thoughts in your minds..What a bragging bitch! Sorry, but I am really at my low point..I'm actually looking at myself falling into a hole of shame and lost but I couldn't do anything...
My warden used to say this:
What actually determine your success? It's you early in the morning..at dawn. How you wake up; first thing in the morning and plan your life? How you arrange them one after another.
This is my theory:
Your life is actually a system, fueled up by the energy of your prayer and positive spirits or thoughts. Surroundings is the key to the theory of positivity..you want a positive output...you need positive input to be more dominant than the negative input..or in other words..
"Tak kisahlah you otai ke ape..rockers ke ape..first thing is..hubungan dengan Allah S.W.T kena betul...kalau nak beribadat sekadar tunjuk-tunjuk, buat kerja sebab nak dapat nama dan pujian, etc...Sorry and paham2 je la"
Yea3x, dats my problem....my relation with my creator is weak..dulu time sekolah I guess I menumpang and take advantage of the positive surrounding...and now...Im adapting to the one im living in now...drifting away from the original track..very weak...no life's principle....
I guess..this is enough
Im taking a break...a moment to stop, turn back and remeniscene how things were back than and improve myself...
All I can say, it is difficult..but I can do this :)
This was written weeks back, couldn't remember the exact day & date